I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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