epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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