Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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