what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
