So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
