woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
