it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
