my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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