my phone needs a breathalizer
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
