Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
