Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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