bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
