Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
