my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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