I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
