Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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