there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
