I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
