Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
