I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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