Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
