Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
