no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
