First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
