I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
