My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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