Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
