I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm both gender and math confused
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize