He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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