I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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