I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
