I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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