I am in a vortex of obligation.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
