Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
