I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
