just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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