You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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