Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize