It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
where are you?
Hypothermia
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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