I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
