Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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