i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
