oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
