I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I forgot how hot balto sounded
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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