he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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