Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize