Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize