my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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