: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
