When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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