So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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