I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I cut my penus on the lid.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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