Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
