dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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