I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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