I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
