fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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