I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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