i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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