judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
